I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
