lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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