So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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