is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
