She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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