a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
