What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
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Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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