At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
