if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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