she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
