were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
