So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
