There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
