I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
