I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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