At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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