Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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