just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
