just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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