so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
