I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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