That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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