We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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