Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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