Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
