i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
