hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
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you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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