I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
