Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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