sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
