Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
