the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
