Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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