my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
