Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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