pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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