Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize