On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
