the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
