Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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