my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
