My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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