When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
