I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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