on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
