I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my shit smells like andre
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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