She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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