it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
