I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
porn star boner night. come get it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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