Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
