do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
