woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
