He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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