u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
