you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
