It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
