tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
