i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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