just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
