Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
