The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pants are for mortals