so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
