I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
