you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
