i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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