Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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