he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
