I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
